i am totally thinking about moving away!

Posted on 19/7/2009 at 19:14 - Post Comment

dutchwomanabroad

sunday july 19th 2009

well, again i encountered the same thing with which i cannot live. haven't been able to deal with it in the past, can't handle it now and won't be able to handle it in the future! it is the way people who live here, in this small shitty village, they always have to gossip, and twist and turn words. i like to express my opinion when i talk to people, talk about things that interest me, talk positive or negative and be honest. and i know i shouldn't but what the heck do you do when you talk? this means you cannot communicate with anyone. the most you can say could be "the sun is shining" and please do not say if that is nice or so, because you could get into trouble of saying it's nice that the sun is shining and that expression might bother someone who then goes around telling everyone you find it nice the sun is shining! i know i am not allowed to say anything about myself, about my family, about my work, about hobbies, about what i like or don't like because every time words go thru the grapevine and probably will be twisted and they get thrown back to me with accusations and things i didn't say attached. so, hubby dear says "you have been living here for 15 years, don't you know it by know, you should never vent your opinion?".  ofcourse he is blaming me, brainwashed by living here all his life frightened by this system. he's not listening to what i think about the situation, to him it is always my fault. well, thank you dear! my mother-in-law(born and bred here) years ago told me "never give 'them' information about how work is going! just say "it is going". because if you say it's never been this good, they wonder why and are envious and will start talking behind you back and ruin you business. if you say you don't have enough(for whatever reasons), 'they' will go around telling you suck at your job since you don't have enough work and then you will have even less work because of 'the voices' and 'they' will laugh behind you back. do not give 'them' information whatsoever so they can not talk about you". and people really live like this, always ears open for the latest news, never telling 'private' things, fenching themselves out of the society afraid that someone might find something out, always 'seeing the mote in one's brother's eye but not see the beam in one's own eye', having little or none trustfull relationships.  i cannot handle this way of living.  i am used to talk to someone and that is it, no having to tell everyone who said what. so, i decided i will just become the stuck up bitch who won't talk to anyone anymore because it is almost impossible to see who you can trust. yeh, people are so good here in twisting and turning words. they will only say what you said without the circumstances or the goings of a conversation. and i think, me as a foreigner, why do i want to be part of this kind of society? i have tried my best to be integrated here, and i thought i was. but if by everything 'good/normal' i do, i get shitted on the head as a thank you, i have totally had it. i feel now that by paying my taxes and keeping my hedge nicely trimmed i have done my part. i am not in the game anymore. i will go to work, do my house and family things and that will be it. no more organizing the christmas market for the village, no more helping out with village events, no more helping out at school or football. why should i, the foreigner who always is in the wrong, do anything to make a positive input into life here? there are enough people from here who could take my place in helping out(which won't be likely since i did stuff which nobody ever offered themselves to do. never do more than you have to in life because you might get tired). they can all go and ........ themselves. I AM DONE!

p.s. maybe i shouldn't write about hubby dear because surely it'll come back to me thru whatever voices and then we'll have a great couples fight. but isn't there the liberty of opinion? i am so disappointed in him. that'll pass in a day or so:) but for the rest i am so done. i feel like i could pack my bags today and leave and never turn back on the life here. but i have those three guys, the reason why i am still here and the animals and a couple of good friends.